Friendships here are a funny thing. The entire expat community is based on a hierarchy of how long you have been in the current country. The second you meet someone new, you spout out how long you’ve been here and where you work. Josh, 10 months, Carter Center program coordinator. Mike, 7 months, Oxfam. Three months or less and you’re still fresh (even though 3 months feels like an eternity to most). If you can still express how long you’ve been here in terms of weeks, just give up now. Newbee. There’s a great chance that you’ll say something that annoys the “veterans” near you, so just do yourself a favor and don’t have an opinion until you’re deemed worthy. “Oh you mean Mercy Corps Sean? That dude, I don’t talk to him.” Not yet you don’t. Did he say something too flowery for you? Awe, does he think he’s going to solve poverty? Shucks. Don’t worry, Sean. I’m sure there’s someone newer coming in on the 5:30 flight tonight.
I’m about ready to silk screen my CV on my shirt and get introductions out of the way. I’ll give you 2 min to look my credentials over and then we can get on to having an actual conversation. At least that’ll save me from 15 minutes of getting “sized up,” so to speak.
“Actual conversation”
-So I was just in Kenya for 3 weeks. You have to go there, it’s amazing!
-I know! I did some work there. In a month I’m off to Ghana, then ugh back to civilization for a bit (did I hear that right?)
-ew. For how long? (ew?)
-A week, I know, but then I’m back here in Liberia, before heading to Zambia. So it won’t be too bad. (It’s a miracle that I’m not laughing)
-oh yea I have a friend in Zambia, I think I’ll take holiday there before relocating to Mozambique ( …I get it! We’re competing)
Someone should have told me. I was too distracted by your seemingly blow dried hair to notice that this was “keeping up with the Jones’s: Expat style.” On the back of my CV shirt I’ll just list off where I’ve been (in alphabetical order for extra brownie points) and end it with how much I detest civilization with something like “ hot showers are for babies.” While you ramble on about how disgusted you are by proper amenities, I’m still stuck on the fact that you have a blow dryer. By the way, your friend from the UN over there is complaining about the fleet of new cars they just got. Him and I should chat. Do they have good tires? I bet they’d get you to the bush and back. How nice.
I’m about ready to silk screen my CV on my shirt and get introductions out of the way. I’ll give you 2 min to look my credentials over and then we can get on to having an actual conversation. At least that’ll save me from 15 minutes of getting “sized up,” so to speak.
“Actual conversation”
-So I was just in Kenya for 3 weeks. You have to go there, it’s amazing!
-I know! I did some work there. In a month I’m off to Ghana, then ugh back to civilization for a bit (did I hear that right?)
-ew. For how long? (ew?)
-A week, I know, but then I’m back here in Liberia, before heading to Zambia. So it won’t be too bad. (It’s a miracle that I’m not laughing)
-oh yea I have a friend in Zambia, I think I’ll take holiday there before relocating to Mozambique ( …I get it! We’re competing)
Someone should have told me. I was too distracted by your seemingly blow dried hair to notice that this was “keeping up with the Jones’s: Expat style.” On the back of my CV shirt I’ll just list off where I’ve been (in alphabetical order for extra brownie points) and end it with how much I detest civilization with something like “ hot showers are for babies.” While you ramble on about how disgusted you are by proper amenities, I’m still stuck on the fact that you have a blow dryer. By the way, your friend from the UN over there is complaining about the fleet of new cars they just got. Him and I should chat. Do they have good tires? I bet they’d get you to the bush and back. How nice.
Brit, you are brilliantly witty, I'm loving every word. Oh hoooooogyyyy!!!! I MISS YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteAnya I was so shocked for a moment there. I almost thought it wasn't you and then I see the 7 exclamation points and caps. I'm so glad you enjoy it. It's almost like a tea time, but with no anya and no tea...just hoogy going on.
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